My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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