You smell like stripper and shame
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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