She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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