You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
