I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
