I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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