I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
