I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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