yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
