I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
