ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
