martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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