ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
