Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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