I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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