If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
