Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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