Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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