Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
my shit smells like andre
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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