I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm like, not good at living.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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