Your face is a jimmy john
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
