Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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