I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
