Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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