found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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