So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
