so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
