When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
