My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
