I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
babies were throwing up all over the place
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
