if i can run in heels then i can drive
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
