My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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