I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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