Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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