What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
