I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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