apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
