Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
