A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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