So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
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