He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
