I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
