You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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