They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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