Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
