Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
