I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
