I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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