having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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