i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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