yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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