just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Randomize
