my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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