we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
