I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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