Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
