I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
